5 Reasons Why Boys Are Bad In Bed.

Go ahead and say what you want, gents (if you’ll allow me the liberty of using this term quite loosely), there’s a reason we’ve all faked it at one time, or another. Yes, all. Any woman who says she hasn’t, is standing next to the man she fakes it with, at the time.  In that regard, one might argue that we’re not much better, but sometimes, it’s just easier to let you guys have your fun.

Number one, boys are mostly selfish. This isn’t an issue of size, or longevity, so please, put that crap to bed, once and for all. It’s about tenderness, individual and particular pleasure centers, and tact. I have no idea why men think it’s okay to blurt out, “So, you wanna do it?” What reaction is expected, here?  Am I supposed to jump up and down, like a crazed, straight-A’s, honor student with the right answer, raising my hand and shouting, “Oooh, ooh, I do!”? So…yeah…tact. That’d be great. Thanks.

Number two, a general ignorance of feminine body parts, mixed with an equal reluctance to talk about them, accounts for this particular inadequacy. That’s right, ladies, we are mostly to blame, for them not knowing what to do with us, or, when, or how to do it. We don’t live in a romantic comedy, where the world is uncannily perfect. Does your life consist of having a dream job, with a dash of idiosyncrasy, dipped in just the right amount of trivial conflict, to add up to everything working out perfectly for five minutes of an ending? I hope not, because that’s just weird.  Give a brother a hand, man. Literally, sometimes (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Explain what you like. Show him what you like. They don’t club us over the head and drag us to their caves, anymore (at least, in most countries), so we have to step it up. We’re like a damned Rubik’s Cube, to begin with, so make sure something  clicks. Be the guide on his safari. Just know that you’ll both have fun, so long as you show him all the good spots to hit.

Alright, back to the guys. The third problem is laziness. Not in bed, or at work, but at home. These days, most women work, too. When we fought for equality in the workplace, it wasn’t so we could work like dogs all day and then still do every last bit of housekeeping and child-rearing. Then, the boys want to whine about having to listen to things we want to talk about with them. Ok, it may not be about Gonzalez’s probability as MVP, if the Sox can keep up their record, but it may be about your kid’s RBI’s. If we can learn every stupid car fact, or watch Mythbusters instead of Bridezillas, and learn how toilet paper is made, just to hold a conversation with the male half of our species, you guys can listen to some boring anecdotes every now and then. Try to change a diaper, or take over bathtime, or cook a meal, without expecting a parade to the vagina, in your honor, and you just might get one. There’s a reason women expect you to read their minds, guys. It’s because we know everything there is to know about you, including your music, movies, video games, what you want  for your birthday, and what to make for dinner. If you pay attention, you pick up that stuff.

Number four is all about sympathy. We girls like to know that our particular cares and concerns don’t always fall on deaf ears. If you’re in it with a girl for the long haul, listen and learn something. If you’re not, you’re a douche and you shouldn’t be getting laid, anyhow.

As for the last reason, women are emotional, where men are physical. Personally, I think Lloyd Dobbler was sexy, and he’s just an idea. We are about chemistry, where men would pretty much bang a warm, wet hole in a wall. A man’s personality plays so much more into whether we would have sex with him, or not. The whole idea that a good sense of humor is important to women, being dismissed as a lie, or myth, by men, explains this difference pretty well. You see, the fact is, it is incredibly important to a woman, that a man makes her laugh. It’s our biggest thing. For most men, a funny woman is less attractive, due to that sad-ass intimidation factor. It’s emasculating, for a woman to be funny (or smart, especially when you’re pretty, too), which is why too many women dumb themselves down for the benefit of our male counterparts. You want to watch that, ladies. Sex is so mental, for women, that the slightest distraction really kills my metaphorical wood, if you will. Personally, the wrong thing on TV, a little kid’s voice (especially my own), or crappy music, will throw me right out of the mood. Each woman is individual, so listen up, and you’ll figure us out, piece by piece. If you don’t feel like putting in the ‘work’ of paying attention to your lover, go ahead and just blurt out, “so, you want to (insert what would have been an intimate act, here)…?”, and call it a day. Because I guarantee you won’t be ‘doing it’. By the way, while I still have you here, you guys all need to get together and think up some less junior high terms to define the moments when you explode inside of some orifice. K? K.

‘Til next time….

Advertisements