10 Reasons You Should Be Nicer To Your…

10 Reasons You Should Be Nicer To Your Waitress (this goes out to all the jerks who’ve ever sat in my section)…

#10: Pretty obvious. She has more control over your food than you will ever know. She looks pretty innocent; doesn’t she? Remember your manners, and you’ll be just fine. Forget them, and you’ll risk throwing up all night.

#9: It’s already a crappy job; why make her life more miserable than it has to be? I can’t imagine that anyone derives even the smallest amount of pleasure from making someone else unhappy. To imagine that would ruin my already tainted take on humanity, as a whole.

#8: She’ll tell all her friends and, try as you may, you’ll never get great service, or great food there, again. We remember crappy customers; believe you me.

#7: It won’t make your food come out faster, your waitress be any friendlier, or the world any better, to be a dick, for no good reason. Now, let me specify, if the service is crappy, you may have a point, but you may not want to send anything back to the kitchen, or swear and treat your waitress like crap. There is such a thing as constructive criticism, folks.

#6: If you’re a jerk to your waitress, chances are, you’re not a good person. In fact, this is the biggest thing to look for on a dinner date. Someone who’s mean to the waitress is an immature prick, and won’t treat their date very well, once the ‘honeymoon period’ is over. I see it as an indicator of impossible egotism and ignorance.

#5: She’s got a lot better relationship with the kitchen staff than you do, and she is your ambassador. Most people will never do anything gross to your food, but they will let your ticket sit for a few minutes, on principle, if you’re being a douche about time. Honestly, if you’re pressed for time, you shouldn’t be at a sit-down restaurant, you should be at McDonald’s, where your food poisoning is sure to be legitimate. If you’re like me and you loathe the very smell of a 99 cent cheeseburger and all that it entails, call ahead, get it to go and have a  cute little picnic, somewhere. Cook for yourself. Grab a pizza. Go to a quick, quality, mom-and-pop grinder joint. Anything is better than whining and ruining the atmosphere for everyone; yourself included.

#4: She’s probably a single mom. Cut her some slack on the things she absolutely can’t control. Just a little. She’s not cooking your food, she’s not telling you to go screw yourself when you ask her to list every single one of the thirty-seven beers, only to ask for a Bud Light (as she likely wants to). So, give her a break. Remember a hard day you’ve had at work, multiply it by the thirty other people just like you, and shut up, for a minute. You’ll get your frozen drink on a Friday night, when the bartender finishes the twenty-three drinks ahead of yours, and the seventeen steps that go into making that drink. Ok? Ok.

#3: She’s probably smarter than you are. If you doubt it, read the rest of this blog. Some of the most interesting conversations I have had, in my life, have been while closing up, with my fellow, lowly servers. Real conversations, about what books we’re reading (and writing), or theoretical physics. I once worked with a hostess who was in college to be an engineer, of jet propulsion science. Literally, the hostess was a rocket scientist. It happens all the time. I worked with another girl who was studying to be an astrophysicist. We talked a lot about Michio Kaku (the Science Channel Asian guy with crazy hair, for those of you who don’t know). The list goes on and on.

#2: God knows when you don’t tip, and Karma’s a bitch. By the way, stop pretending you don’t know how to tip. Taking up an hour of my time, to leave me $4.50 on a thirty dollar tab, is just sad. That means I made $4.50, for an hour of work. My rule of thumb, is fifteen percent to a bad waitress, and never less than $5; I don’t care what the tab was. However, I am ridiculously generous, because I know what it feels like to slave through that job. So, you can’t go by my standards, either; you’ll end up broke, or eating out only very rarely. There is a happy medium. Look to your conscience, pay attention to the circumstances, and give the girl what she deserves.

#1: She is a person, too, with cares, concerns, talents, and hardships. Take that into consideration, before you go around giving her a hard time. Pay attention to the fact that you are stepping on a whole another human being, for your own self-gratification, and do take more care. After all, you never know who’s keeping an eye on you, to make sure you are a good echo.

Laugh long and often, tip your waitresses, kiss your kids. I’ll be here, all week.