I’ve always wanted to be a stand-up comedian…

but I’m not very funny.

I can occasionally be funny on paper, just not with the delivery. I can insult people fairly well, so if I could pull off some Howie Mandell, it might work. Then again, I could probably just talk about all the wicked stupid people I come across occasionally within the course of my life.

Yeah, I’m sure I could do that. I could talk about the dumb questions people like to ask their waitresses, in what seems like nothing more than a grueling test of our smartass reflex.

Such as, “What sides do you have?”

Reply, “the sides are listed right here. Mashed potatoes, fries, macaroni salad, and onion rings.”

Stupid question, “Do you have tater tots?”

Smartass and silent answer, “Bitch, you see tots on that list?” Real answer, “the sides are listed right here. Mashed potatoes, fries, macaroni salad, and onion rings.”

There are the people who don’t understand that you don’t snap your fingers or whistle for your server. People who want to hit on their servers relentlessly. Honestly, customers suck. That’s all there is to it.

I like the assholes who leave their houses and end up on ‘People of Walmart’. Or the guys who dash in front of me from twenty feet back to open a door I was perfectly capable of handling. I have a vagina, I’m not infirm. I hate the people who use the word “epic” paired with “fail”, or the expression, “where you at?”. I don’t like old men who think everyone wants to hear their conversation and young kids who think everyone wants to hear their music. I can’t stand Eyore’s and rainbow killers, and I hope to God that someone can find Daniel Tosh’s nuts (check around back, I assume he tucks his shit away) and kick him in them. Plaid shirts and trucker caps are usually morons. The Buddy Holly glasses have got to go, guys. Just stop it.

And there you have it…stupid people. I can’t stand it. I’m starting to lose my faith in humanity. Can we step it up? Please?